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Etiquette
for Actors
- Establish your importance by eating the
crew’s donuts while they’re building the set.
- Show the makeup artist your cold sore
after she dips your makeup sponge back into the makeup.
You get free makeup this way.
- Whenever you flub a line, look at the
script, crumple it into a ball and mutter, “I bet this clown
never wrote a script before.”
- Whenever you hear a crew member use the
phrase “meat puppet,” show your pride for the acting craft
by grabbing your crotch and yelling, “Hey, I’ve got your
meat puppet right here!”
- As soon as you hear “action!,” ask your
director what your motivation is.
- Make snorting noises into the microphone
between takes.
- Whenever you work with children and you
accidentally damage a prop, hide it somewhere near the kids
and go get a cup of coffee or something.
- Make conversation with foreign directors
by saying, “Hey, how much you want to bet my daddy kicked
your daddy’s ass in World War II?”
- Every chance you get, say, “Hey, what
time’s lunch?”
- Speaking of lunch...don't say "ka-ching"
when you go into meal penalties or golden time. Unless you're
absolutely positive the producer's out of earshot. Then
you can "ka-ching" your ass off.
- Go out for drinks with the crew. Leave
without paying.
- After you wrap, call your other actor
friends and casually mention, “Oh, did I tell you I was
on a shoot today?"
- Rember: It's all about you.
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In the eyes of the crew, there are two
species on every set: humans and actors.
Here are a few tips to bridge the gap
between the two. You might not get respect. The best you can
hope for is tolerance.
The reason: generations of actors before
you thought the gig was all about them.
by Richard
Bischoff
©2002, Richard Bischoff
May not be reprinted without permission
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