|
Basic
Survival Tips for Actors
Employment
Seek a job that supports
a basic need. If you work as a waiter, you get food. Working
in retail sales gets you discounts on whatever it is you sell.
If you play your cards right, and can spot a two-way mirror,
you get stuff for free.
Unemployment Insurance
Also known as the actor's
best friend. Learning to milk the system is just as important
as finding the right agent. You say your pride won't let you
accept an unemployment check? Look...if farmers can get money
to not grow corn, you can get paid to not act.
Nutrition
Stock up on food that stores
easily and provides nourishment when times get tough.
This shopping list should become a valuable part of your budgeting
plans:
Coffee:
Enables actors to pontificate about themselves for hours.
To impress your friends and purgeyour gastro-intestinal system
on a regular basis, steal some gourmet coffee bags from your
favorite coffee shop and fill with generic, supermarket-brand,
canned coffee. Hide the can. (See: Beans, Oatmeal)
Oatmeal:
Cheap, healthy, easy to cook and filling, oatmeal is an actor's
miracle food. You can do almost anything with it: add raisins,
apples, maple syrup...there are literally 1001 ways to enjoy
this pasty concoction. Morning, noon and night. At least until
you make it big. Then you'll never want to eat, smell, or
hear the word "oatmeal" again.
Beans:
Cheap. Filling. They last forever. And, you can clear out
a cattle call in seconds flat, giving you plenty of valuable
face time with the casting director. (See Coffee, Oatmeal,
Tums, hot sauce)Top
of Page
Pasta
Lasts forever. Cheap. Mixes
with anything. Impress your non-actor dates by convincing
them you're cooking an exotic Italian meal. (See: Meat, Beans,
Oatmeal)
Tuna Fish
Comes in can. Versatile.
Cheap. Cheaper if there's no "dolphin safe" logo
on can. (See: Pasta, Cream of Mushroom Soup, Hot Sauce, Oatmeal)
Cream of Mushroom
Soup
Also comes in a can. Provides
much-needed sodium and fat. Mixes with any leftover thing
in your refrigerator for a tasty stroganoff-like treat! (See:
Tuna, Oatmeal, Meat, Rice, Beans)
Rice
Cheap. Lasts forever. Starchy
and healthy. Stretches bean dishes, tuna, and anything else
you can think of. When you're really low on creative Asian
cooking ideas, mix with tuna and roll yourself a few "sushi
balls." (See: Oatmeal)
Tortillas(WestCoast)
Portable bread...lets you make
any major food group into a burrito, which you can stuff into
your glove compartment for an exciting meal on the go! (See:
Beans, Rice, Hot Sauce, Oatmeal)
Bulkie Rolls
(East Coast)
See Tortillas; substitute "Hero
Sandwhich" for burrito.
Meat
This is a tough call. Given
your budget, you have a choice of ground, 85%-fat, old oxen
butt-meat, or your basic processed, preservative-laden-lasts
forever-cheap-but-will-shorten-your-life bologna product,
made from animal parts you don't want to know about. Sure
tastes good though. (See Hot Sauce)
Hot Sauce
Use liberal quantities on
everything you cook. Hides flavor of old leftovers. Makes
you eat faster so you don't give too much thought to what
it is you're living on. (See Beans, Rice, Pasta, Tuna, Oatmeal,
Meat)
Other important actor
food products include Peanut Butter, Beer, Slim Fast, Antacid,Toothpaste,
Prozac, Nachos, Aspirin, Breath Mints, Generic Macaroni &
Cheese.
Bon Appetit!
Top
of Page
Bonus Recipe:
Black Bean Loaf Head!
- Soak 1 lb. black
beans in water for eight hours, OR
Put beans in pressure cooker. Cover with 2" water.
Cook over medium heat for fifteen minutes or until
kitchen explodes.
- Let steam escape.
Open pot carefully. Drain water.
- Beat remaining beans
into unrecognizable pulp. Add: two tablespoons olive oil,
salt, pepper, any spices on hand, oatmeal if you have it
and mix.
- Sculpt mass into
likeness of someone's head (like that snotty actor you can't
stand who beats you at every audition). Chill.
- When hungry and
broke, yell, "Let's do lunch? I got your lunch right
here,you weasel!," scoop off hunk of head with spoon,
plop into tortilla shell and microwave for a delicious,
nutritious and vengeful treat!
Physical Fitness
Protect your instrument:
exercise regularly. It's best to eliminate meat, alcohol and
junk food from your diet. Unless you're working on a catered
show. Then it's: Screw the macrobiotic crap and bring me some
meat! My instrument's hungry, dammit! And it's thirsty, too!
Transportation
Every actor's car
should contain headshots, resumes, old scripts, oatmeal, laundry,
your lost daily planner, coffee cups, the "help wanted"
section, coffee-stained maps, toll receipts.
Sex and Relationships
The most rewarding sex you
can ever have is with an actor. Actors are uninhibited, generous
lovers, who put your pleasure above all else, when it comes
to romance. And all they ask in return is that you spring
for dinner. And a movie. And a place to stay. Want proof?
What are you doing tonight? But seriously...acting is no substitute
for love...for family...Sunday mornings snuggling in bed...quality
time with your children. Let's face it: our loved ones pay
the rent while we're struggling from audition to audition.
Milk ëem for all they're worth.
Remember:
Life is short. Always put your loved ones ahead of your acting
career. But only if it's convenient. And if it isn't...Go
for the cash. Hey, you only live once.
Top
of Page
|
|
|
|
|
